Journal #8

Unnecessary Commas:
"By using a certain point of view, addressing a particular. . . " could be "By using a certain point and addressing a particular. . . "

Apostrophes
". . . certain parts of a persons health care. . " would be " . . .certain parts of a person's health care. . ."

Commas
"Conversely if this story had been written. . ." would be "Conversely, if this story had been written. . ."

". . . want to start my own family I will follow morals my mother. . ." would be ". . . want to start my own family, I will follow morals my mother. . . "

"Also when talking about, "his mother" i guessed. . . " would be ". . . Also when talking about "his mother" I guessed. . ."

"Although I shared he was a "meth baby" very little vital details. . ." would be "Although I shared he was a "meth baby", very little vital details. . .:

"If I were to tell someone this story around the time it happened they would not have been. . . " would be "If I were to tell someone this story around the time it happened, they would not have been. . . "

Clarity: Vary sentence openings
"I am able to give background information on the story but the vital details are left out." could be "The vital details were left out, but I was still able to give some background information."

"Then after analyzing it further, I realized an angry, almost bitter tone." could be "Upon further analyzation, I realized an angry, almost bitter tone."

"The story was centered on a little boy I came into contact with during my short period there." could be "During my short period at the NICU, the boy I came into contact with inspired the story I wrote."

After doing this blog, I realized some things about my essay. The main thing I realized was the organization. Most of my sentences were repetitive in the way I wrote them. I need to change up lengths of sentences and how I start them. I also need to work on relating my paragraphs back to the thesis. I should also make sure I revise my paper closely as I had many comma errors and words that I left out.